You can't even call me a windbag any more

The wind really got taken out of my sails by the "straw that broke the camel's back" attacker that caused me to abandon my former project. These days when I write it feels kind of like someone put a penny in the machine and here I go. There is no hope or passion behind it any more. Everything just feels empty whenever I work. Everything feels empty whenever I do anything. Everything feels like a lie.

Why I Loathe Organized Religion

Improvement

Psycho is doing a little better and appreciates those who have stood by me and not judged me. This sort of thing lets me know who my true friends are.

In sad news, my online friend Wanda's son died unexpectedly. I know she is hurting a lot. I can't imagine the horror. If any of you know Wanda, or if you just want to drop by and show her some support, I know it is like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. But knowing she is loved may bring her a little peace.

My own son is struggling with depression/anxiety and agoraphobia. The legacy of mental illness did not pass him by, sadly. The difference became apparent when he turned thirteen. He has a great counselor and I will be taking him to see a psychiatrist about trying some medication. This is his decision, I would never force it on him. My own parents are clueless. They keep coming up with ideas like "he could come live with us for the summer and work as a caretaker in the cemetery." So not going to happen! I might suggest a similar job in the city we live in or the city his best friend lives in, which is just 10 miles from here. The outdoor work might be good for him.

I understand what is wrong with my son and do all I can to support him. His father makes me nuts, though. I know he also has problems but sometimes I feel like he is a freeloading albatross. He lives here--NOT A ROMANTIC SITUATION, LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR! We have been divorced since 1994. We have always been family, though. I played my own part in the divorce, I am not an innocent victim. I am a person with borderline personality disorder and, at the time, undiagnosed bipolar disorder. He has depression but the worst thing is if I tell him I need him to do something I get the hang dog look and then he takes to his bed for ten hours like I just beat him with sticks. It is very hard to deal with. I am the only one in this family that works. My son wants to go to college and to work, but his agoraphobia stops him. When he was at college he found it difficult to get out of his room and go to class, which is why he had to come home. It is beyond tragic because he has a sub-genius IQ and is very creative. Sadly, he spends most of his days playing computer games. This is what his father does too. 

Then there are my parents. No, they don't live here, or believe me, I would be boozin'! They live about 25 miles away. My father had a stroke in June of 2004. He is very dependent. My mother is his 24-7 caretaker. She is very stressed out and tired. It is not a good situation.

Now maybe the reasons can be seen why I need a miracle!

All the love in the world to Wanda. She did not need what happened to her--nobody needs that. But she has already been through so much hell. Sometimes this world seems so cruel.

I do not believe in the Fundamentalist Christian concept of God--or at least I don't worship that God because I don't like his style. Meting out punishment on people who may not see fit to worship you seems pretty damn egotistical. I do believe in a variety of gods and goddesses, which in my view are very powerful spirits, and I believe in something like the American Indian concept of a "Great Spirit," which created all things. The Great Spirit does not need for people to worship it, but communing with it can bring peace. Animals do this naturally. Modern people have lost the ability and have to concentrate deliberately.

The Great Spirit doesn't interfere in the affairs of the world. But communing with the energy of creation can increase one's own abilities, and creating with some of the other deities, who are personifications of natural energies, can cause great things to be accomplished and bring peace to one's life.

Anyway, that's my opinion.

Broken and Hopeless

It is so hard for me to make myself eat. I know that some of you are thinking it would be best for the fat pig to go through some anorexia, to lose some of that lard on her disgusting fat body. A few weeks of starving wouldn't hurt such a vile disgusting pig. 

With food, I do extremes. I either tend to eat for comfort or I go through periods of anorexia. The problem is, some of my pills are very harsh on my stomach. I have to eat a little, and it disgusts me to do so. Or I have to stop taking the pills and maybe have a complete breakdown.

Maybe something like macaroni and cheese would be palatable enough. Have some of those single serve cups. Got them for 89 cents each at the store. How trailer trash American of me, I'm sure. 

I know what I am. I am nothing. I am powerless to make any changes to stop the pain and injustice of this world.

I tried it for one soul who touched my heart. I only ended up looking like a fool and losing him in the process. The person (spirit) I set out to help now feels only disdain for me, seeing me as a weak loser. He is right. I am.

Trying to help the animals of this world I come upon abuse so ugly and horrible, done to animals in the name of arousing some sick fucking excuses for humanity. There is nothing I can do to stop this from happening. Yes, I have signed petitions. But there is nothing I can do to save the mutilated, helpless ones who were the victims of this depravity. I keep seeing visions of them in my mind and the idea of eating seems so selfish and vain. If they had to suffer so awfully, who am I to eat? How dare I think of eating when there is such suffering going on in the world.

I think of the victims in Haiti and how little my lame-o $15 contribution is worth. 

I have no power and no money. 

I thought I had a gift, a talent.

That too was a lie.

I am broken. 

I also think that perhaps if I don't eat for a long time I can weaken my heart enough that it will allow me to die.

In the end, that is what I really want, after all.

Life...

Fuck life. Life is a death march. Life is a place where horrible things can happen and there is no justice. Where people scoff at kindness. Where love and caring is a fucking joke. Where every time I try to do something good it is thrown back in my face as a naive lie.

I pray every day for the strength to take my life. 

There is nothing to live for.
Do not try to cheer me up. Do not tell me to stop hating myself. Do not tell me what a wonderful world this is. None of this is true.
Why do we always have to suffer to "learn?"
Because this world is purgatory.
Fuck whoever is running this shit. They are (a) sick, sadistic asshole(s)
I long for the peace of the grave
One day I will have the courage
It will be a glorious day
Don't waste your time on me
I was doomed from the start

Hopeless

It is really and truly not worth it to try to right wrongs that have been done in the world. One only ends up on the losing end. Believe me when I say that nobody else cares. One only ends up horrified and discouraged by all the ugliness that nothing can be done about. I have tried. I only get laughed at, attacked, mocked, or end up so sick I can't even eat from horror. There is nothing that can be done. There surely can be no forces of good if things so ugly continue to happen. Really, an asteroid is the best solution.

Fuck it all.

Sensationalistic Journalism

This was my response to a post on "Sea Serpent's" My Voudou Journey blog regarding the sensationalistic media reporting regarding the Haitian people and Voodoo.

David Brooks and his ilk can kiss my fat bipolar pagan ass. The idea of an unbiased media is a joke. Not because its impossible but because journalists refuse to adhere to basic factual reporting rules and put their own slant on every story.
I saw the movie "Until the Light Takes Us" on Friday and was struck by how many times the media inserted the attention getting words "Satan" and "Satanist" into their news stories regarding the church fires and anti-Christian sentiments in Norway in the early 1990's. Yes, burning the churches was criminal. But those who were responsible for the first fires did not identify themselves as Satanists, they identified themselves as Norse Pagans. Still, the label "Satanist" prevailed because it was more sensationalistic.
These same people only know voodou from what they have seen in Hollywood movies. What they believe it to be is a lot more attention-grabbing than the truth.
The older I get, the more I think that mainstream Christianity just plain sucks. Jesus, save us from your followers!