http://ping.fm/aU1O1 The World's Longest Cat

One Colorado http://ping.fm/iHfZL

Year of Loss

This has been a year of loss, minor on the scale compared to those who have lost loved ones, but loss nonetheless. My living situation is badly compromised. I need to get back to the cleanup work but became horribly discouraged over the past few days. I have accumulated way too much stuff in my life and I suppose those more sensible than I would just throw things out without regard to what they are. I am storing them. The carpets are still wet, we are still unable to shower, and we still have to bring in water. Then there was a fly infestation due to the moisture. Flies love moisture, it is prime breeding ground. I am overwhelmed and have no idea how this is going to resolve.

I lost friends. It wasn't a "real world" friend, I really don't have any of those. It was a long time online friend who decided to cut me off. I have a great deal of difficulty with abandonment issues. I have since decided that this person was being unfair and while I think it is too bad that they behaved the way they did, and I'm sorry they felt the way they did, I am not going to allow myself to harbor thoughts of self-harm over someone who has no regard for the feelings of others. Everybody has problems, not just them. I always thought things were better when people supported each other but if someone is bound and determined to isolate and stew in their own juices, there's nothing to be done. If you have a problem with somebody you can politely take it up with them, or you can act like a passive-aggressive jerk, as another friend who was caught in the fallout from this person's tirade pointed out.

My father's mental and physical status are deteriorating. I would hate to have that man as a patient. He fights every treatment. He needs to have oxygen 24 hours a day due to the fact that without it his o2 saturation levels are only in the 70's, but he refuses. The hypoxia contributes to the dementia. He has congestive heart failure. He is no longer able to assist my mother in standing him. She has to use a lift. He refuses to sleep because he feels like he's dying. He feels like he's dying because he has sleep apnea for up to a minute at a time and refuses to use a CPAP or oxygen. He urinates scant amounts all the time due to an enlarged prostate. The insurance won't pay for home care because his is a chronic condition--but it's a deteriorating condition! Fuckers.

When I started promoting my writing, I was naive as hell. I thought that I would find a supportive community of fellow creative souls. I've found a few who are kinda sorta supportive, but all creative people are mostly interested in promoting their own work. Which is okay, I suppose I fall into that category myself. What was dismaying for me is discovering how many bitter, mean-spirited people there are in the creative fields. Dealing with these types has kind of taken the fun out of the interactions for me. Worse yet, with everything else that's going on, I really don't have much hope and nothing is very much fun. Writing is more a chore than a joy a great deal of the time. I don't give up because that would be giving in, but it used to be a fun escape. It hasn't been for a long time.

So that's been 2010 for me. How 'bout you?

Proof Positive: Chicken Little Goes to Resilience Therapy | World of Psychology http://ping.fm/Nk3SR

The Worst Beer in the World http://ping.fm/GPXVo

Sarah Palin the pack leader as 'mama grizzlies' roam US political landscape | World news | The Guardian http://ping.fm/EgsHq

http://ping.fm/MWXln Livestrong Top Ten Diet Myths

Basic Polish Phrases, swear words and slang http://ping.fm/mQoVK

R2-D2 Jack-o-Lantern http://ping.fm/Fd8sY

Taunted Trenton girl goes on toy spree | detnews.com | The Detroit News http://ping.fm/LKKTO

C**t of the Century http://ping.fm/9ioSw

Taunted on Internet, Dying Michigan Girl Kathleen Edward Gets Shopping Spree http://ping.fm/7C2Cu

Deciding which evil, disturbing plot to pursue.

Crazy possessive psycho stalker kitteh makes it hard to type as she keeps climbing into my lap.

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The World's Longest Enchilada http://ping.fm/9zF35

Words

OCD and Me

I have OCD comorbid with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Most of my OCD symptoms are fairly mild and in my control, but the hoarding aspect (items, not animals) does interfere with my life to a degree. I have trouble throwing things out for fear that I may need them later. It isn't to the extreme degree that one sees on the television program but it does make life more difficult.

I remember noticing symptoms of OCD when I was about 6 years old. I had a system of counting that I relied on to choose my clothes for the day. This is pretty harmless. I still use it when I'm being indecisive. I also get bugged when I'm putting messages on the boards at work and the push pin colors don't match. Not out of control angry or anything, it just distracts me, so if someone has put up a bulletin and the push pins don't match I change them so they do.

Waiting Game

I wish I would hear something--anything--from the lender. :-(
I have been living without running water for a month now. This place is a total money pit and we really need to get out. The lender was supposed to have called me on Monday. It's now Thursday. I guess that does not bode well.

outrage

Being sad over someone else's unnecessary meanness just makes me tired.
FUCK MEAN SPIRITED PEOPLE.
I have enough pain in my life. If someone is just bound to be mean and ugly, then I need to put them out of my life. I cannot have this dark energy. I have to save myself.

Another Stolen Thought

Clinically Clueless writes so well. This is another thought I am stealing from them and expanding on it a little.
I have a name, remember me and not my illness. My name is not, "depression." Please don't whisper anymore when you think I'm not listening or spread gossip behind my back or back away from me and pretend you don't see me. Please try to understand and help me. If you don't want to help, at least, don't make it worse by making me feel "different," unseen, worthless or like I'm a failure. Remember, there are at least 18 million of us. One of them might be you.

Psycho Says: My name is also not "bipolar disorder," nor is it "borderline personality disorder." It is not "OCD." It is not "hoarding disorder." It is not "self injury." It is not "weirdo" or "loser." It is not "cutter." It is not "suicide attempt." I AM A PERSON!!!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!! I am a human being that is hurting very badly due to being thrown away like garbage time and again. I know I am not like other people. I know I will never be pretty or fun or thin or popular. I will never be loved. I guess I will never even be liked. But every now and then someone acts like they accept me and then that person becomes meaningful to me. Then when they abandon me it is all the worse.

I hate myself more than you could ever hate me, I guarantee it. 

 

Stolen & Abandoned

I stole this from the blog of Clinically Clueless. I hope they don't mind. It is so me.

I have such serious abandonment issues that whenever someone, even a periphery person, abandons me, I feel like my heart is being ripped out. The person doing the abandoning will say well your pain is not my problem, and they are right. But it doesn't hurt any less. I don't try to be a useless freak, I really don't. It isn't all my fault. I am straight up about who I am from the beginning. And some of these fuckers will say well that's okay I accept you how you are. BUT YOU REALLY FUCKING DON'T! And then you abandon me and this is the result.
Yes, I am really a mess. But if you can't take on a mess, don't take me on and then dump me. That is just fucking evil.

I want to love but it turns out wrong
I want to live but I don't belong
I close my eyes and I see blood and roses
(Blood & Roses: The Smithereens)

Bruises

When I hit my thigh with a hammer  I like watching  the blood spread under the skin to form a beautiful bruise.
I could never  do this to another person I cared about  or to an animal. Only to myself.
I am so bad
So bad
So bad
So ugly filthy worth less
spineless jelly
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!!!!!

Can't keep on

I can't keep on like this. I am too sensitive for this world. I do not see much hope for my son and my pets either.
For those of you fuckers keen on calling the cops on people who have suicidal thoughts, I will tell you that I am only theorizing. I am wondering--only wondering--if gas really is painless. We could end it all very quickly. I believe in neither heaven nor hell. I believe that here is all there is, and that it really, really sucks.

Needs

I need someone who can take my cats and dogs and give the good homes, indoors only.
I need someone who can help guide my son, help him have a place to live, encourage him in getting an education.
I need to stop this shit now--this "living." I need to end this pain.

You win, or at least I lose

This is just a copy of a note from my Facebook page. So shoot me for being too fucking lazy to edit it.

Folks, I cannot do this shit any more. I am tired of people fighting with each other. I try to show kindness and the response I get in return is meanness. I want to be supportive of others but I have been unfriended for doing so--by someone I considered a friend for a long time. This hurts really badly. Forgive me if I keep my distance. It only hurts more when you let people in.
My father is dying slowly and awfully. I live in a house with no running water. I can't afford to get a new place or to repair this one. I have mental problems. Excuse me for having feelings. Excuse me for hurting when people cut me off because I am too damaged. Excuse me for existing.
I will keep posting the animal rescue stuff but other than that I'm only going to play with my virtual aquarium. I'm sorry, but I cannot allow myself to open up and be hurt any more.

True Colors

Every experience I have with people just shows me more and more that you can't trust. People will eventually stick the knife in. I guess I should thank people when they show their true colors. I just don't know why there has to be so much hate and ugliness. We are all hurting. Shouldn't we be kind to one another?

Must force self to do pathophysiology homework. Groan!

The Heartbreak of Borderline Personality Disorder

the one thing I've learned in the years since I found out that I wasn't just "high strung" or "mercurial" is that in spite of having this disease (bipolar disorder) that messes with part of my brain and makes me high strung and mercurial when I don't take Lithium, I am mostly normal (whatever that is) when I do take Lithium. I don't see this as any different conceptually than a diabetic taking insulin.
What is heartbreaking about having borderline personality disorder is the fact that I cannot get too close to people. I tend to be very paranoid and think that everyone is out to hurt me. I can have superficial relationships with people, but not close ones. I realized years ago that I couldn't have romantic relationships and I don't even want one at this point. It was somehow even harsher to realize that I can't even have close platonic friendships because I tend to become distrustful and fuck things up. That is the pain of my particular variety of mental illness--never being able to be close to people.

http://ping.fm/Y0ToR Want to make your head hurt? Read this.

http://ping.fm/XcwNw Tell me, wouldn't you want to hide your hands in shame for this?

I am totally sore from dealing with all this crap due to the busted water heater. I think I'm going to sneak in a quick nap.

Gore Porn

I always feel like something of a pariah because I'm one of the few horror fans that really doesn't like a lot of gore and tends to get annoyed with the seeming necessity of having tits and ass everywhere. I find it obtrusive. If there is actual reason for it in a story, fine, but I find that more often than not the gore and boobs are there to cover up the fact that there IS no story. Which in my view makes a movie gore porn and not horror. I like something that scares me on a deeper level, not something that just makes me go "ew."

Blooming Psycho's Funhouse: Plastic Kimmy Speaks Out About Botox http://ping.fm/32NI5

Plastic Kimmy Speaks Out About Botox

Kim Kardashian Kontradicts Herself Repeatedly in statements regarding her repeated Botox Use.

She looks like a Stepford wife and has the plastic personality to match. At 45, I've never had Botox and never will. Hello--it's a deadly bacteria, people! It causes paralysis of the muscles affected by it, which is why people who have had it end up with a perpetually surprised expression on their faces. Thanks anyway, I'd rather be able to show emotion.

I work in a retirement community and one of our residents with Parkinson's disease had Botox injected into her shoulder area to relieve muscle spasms. It ended up paralyzing her windpipe and she nearly died. This substance is not an innocuous little beauty cream. May I repeat, it is a deadly bacteria with the power to paralyze both smooth and skeletal muscle. Just sayin'.

PETA Has Bieber Fever at Deceiver.com http://ping.fm/3d0DY

One word of advice if a program invites you to get the mywebsearch toolbar: DON'T!!!! Somehow I downloaded this POS & can't get rid of it!

They have a little black dress sweepstakes in the sidebar. But what if you, like me, need a big black dress?

The Opposite of the High Life

It's fun being broke and having to live in shitholes, isn't it? I had one place where there was no hot water for a year and a half because the slum lord wouldn't get the boiler fixed. In my current place (overpriced mobile home) the hot water heater (the access to which was in the back of my son's closet as it turns out) blew out and spread water across three rooms. There's probably $20,000 in damages (which is about what I owe on this dump) and we don't dare turn on the water except to flush the toilet because otherwise it will start leaking again. Good times!

Blooming Psycho's Funhouse: A Letter to my Local Paper http://ping.fm/ULFQH

A Letter to my Local Paper

The preventable suicides of young people over their sexual orientation is tragic. No student should be bullied because s/he is gay or because s/he is perceived as being gay. School should be a place for learning, not a battle ground. Bullying due to sexual orientation or for any other reason must not be tolerated. I was bullied mercilessly when I was in school and it still affects me to this day. I was not homosexual, but this makes no difference. I feel for these students who day in and day out fear for their safety simply because of their sexual orientation (or perceived sexual orientation.) All students need to be educated that gay people are simply people, and all schools need to have and enforce a zero tolerance policy for bullying.

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Student Loan Debt A Millstone

Yep...I'm in school less than half time this semester so I've had to start paying off my student loans until I go back full time. $200 dollars a month, Kiddies, and my take home pay is only around $1400 a month. Yet I can't qualify for food stamps because my gross pay is $2200 a month. I've been eating a lot of fucking macaroni and cheese and cold cuts of late.

Internet Bullying and Tragedy

I cannot imagine what would have happened in my case if we had the Internet when I was young. I was very sensitive and as it turned out undiagnosed bipolar and borderline. I made my first somewhat half-assed suicide attempt at 13. I started cutting when I was 15. I was straight and really didn't care when people spread the rumor that I was a lesbian, but it did bother me when they spread rumors that I was slutty. I actually was not. I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy that I thought I loved who turned out to be too immature to handle the relationship. I cut my wrists over his subsequent behavior towards me and ended up in the psych ward for a weekend. I was bullied pretty badly throughout school. But as bad as it was, I cannot believe what these kids go through these days. The people that shamed this young man (or who shame any person, gay or straight, in this fashion) should be held accountable for their part in this.

Otto the octopus wrecks havoc - Telegraph http://ping.fm/wJh4o

The 7 Most Incredible Crime Sprees Carried Out by Animals | Cracked.com http://ping.fm/ae9r7

I just squeaked in for approval for an FHA loan and we are hoping to buy a house--a real house, not a mobile home--about 10 miles from here.

Thoughts on the Illegal Immigration Problem

I voted Democrat and will likely do so again. I have in most elections. It is not that I have an issue with Mexicans as a whole. Most of the people in my neighborhood are Mexican or Mexican-American. As a Caucasian, I'm in the minority here. My neighbors are great people and I have no issues with any of them. My direct next door neighbor is originally from Mexico City and he is a kind, helpful person who has assisted me with many handyman type tasks that I couldn't do myself. However, I have a problem with the illegals. My brother works as a firefighter/paramedic and SWAT medic in Tucson. He tells me about the horrific problems they have with drug trafficking down in Tucson. It is an awful problem. This is not a Republican vs. Democrat issue or a Conservative vs. Liberal issue. It is not an anti-Latino stance. I don't want to keep the law-abiding Mexican immigrants out. I don't want the drug traffickers and criminals coming in.