Maybe Not Lazy

I would like to share this great post by my blog friend Kate White on Healthy Place blogs about "laziness" and depression. I will also share my reply.

In my teen years I constantly heard how lazy I was. I always felt like if I couldn’t be perfect I shouldn’t try at all. I learned at 16 that I had hypothyroidism, but the pills didn’t help. I learned at 25 that I have fibromyalgia, but nobody taught me how to deal with it. I learned at 38 that I have type II bipolar disorder that the doctors kept misdiagnosing as depression with anxiety. Finally a counselor asked some questions that led to the discovery of a pattern and the beginning of my taking lithium. This helped with the irritability, but the constant exhaustion was still there. I learned in the past year that I also have borderline personality disorder and that my hoarding problems are not due to being lazy, they are part and parcel of my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I am struggling to get on top of many, many, many years worth of avoiding the problem and hating myself.

The Heartbreak of Borderline Personality Disorder

the one thing I've learned in the years since I found out that I wasn't just "high strung" or "mercurial" is that in spite of having this disease (bipolar disorder) that messes with part of my brain and makes me high strung and mercurial when I don't take Lithium, I am mostly normal (whatever that is) when I do take Lithium. I don't see this as any different conceptually than a diabetic taking insulin.
What is heartbreaking about having borderline personality disorder is the fact that I cannot get too close to people. I tend to be very paranoid and think that everyone is out to hurt me. I can have superficial relationships with people, but not close ones. I realized years ago that I couldn't have romantic relationships and I don't even want one at this point. It was somehow even harsher to realize that I can't even have close platonic friendships because I tend to become distrustful and fuck things up. That is the pain of my particular variety of mental illness--never being able to be close to people.

Internet Bullying and Tragedy

I cannot imagine what would have happened in my case if we had the Internet when I was young. I was very sensitive and as it turned out undiagnosed bipolar and borderline. I made my first somewhat half-assed suicide attempt at 13. I started cutting when I was 15. I was straight and really didn't care when people spread the rumor that I was a lesbian, but it did bother me when they spread rumors that I was slutty. I actually was not. I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy that I thought I loved who turned out to be too immature to handle the relationship. I cut my wrists over his subsequent behavior towards me and ended up in the psych ward for a weekend. I was bullied pretty badly throughout school. But as bad as it was, I cannot believe what these kids go through these days. The people that shamed this young man (or who shame any person, gay or straight, in this fashion) should be held accountable for their part in this.

Borderline Idealization and Devaluation in Relationships

Watch the video here.

I decided long ago that due to my condition attempting to have a romantic relationship was detrimental, and I have been better without one. What is discouraging is seeing the trouble in platonic relationships. I have a very hard time getting close to people.

 

For those who don't know me, please don't tell me how "sad" it is that I have "given up" on romance. I have been a lot less "sad" since having done so. And don't tell me how "unhealthy" it is to live without sex. I don't care about sex, and again, I have been a lot happier without it. These types of relationships have never been anything but negative and destructive for me. It does, however, bother me that I can't seem to have platonic friendships without some of the same troubles creeping in. Borderline personality disorder is very destructive to intimacy of any kind.