Maybe Not Lazy

I would like to share this great post by my blog friend Kate White on Healthy Place blogs about "laziness" and depression. I will also share my reply.

In my teen years I constantly heard how lazy I was. I always felt like if I couldn’t be perfect I shouldn’t try at all. I learned at 16 that I had hypothyroidism, but the pills didn’t help. I learned at 25 that I have fibromyalgia, but nobody taught me how to deal with it. I learned at 38 that I have type II bipolar disorder that the doctors kept misdiagnosing as depression with anxiety. Finally a counselor asked some questions that led to the discovery of a pattern and the beginning of my taking lithium. This helped with the irritability, but the constant exhaustion was still there. I learned in the past year that I also have borderline personality disorder and that my hoarding problems are not due to being lazy, they are part and parcel of my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I am struggling to get on top of many, many, many years worth of avoiding the problem and hating myself.

The Heartbreak of Borderline Personality Disorder

the one thing I've learned in the years since I found out that I wasn't just "high strung" or "mercurial" is that in spite of having this disease (bipolar disorder) that messes with part of my brain and makes me high strung and mercurial when I don't take Lithium, I am mostly normal (whatever that is) when I do take Lithium. I don't see this as any different conceptually than a diabetic taking insulin.
What is heartbreaking about having borderline personality disorder is the fact that I cannot get too close to people. I tend to be very paranoid and think that everyone is out to hurt me. I can have superficial relationships with people, but not close ones. I realized years ago that I couldn't have romantic relationships and I don't even want one at this point. It was somehow even harsher to realize that I can't even have close platonic friendships because I tend to become distrustful and fuck things up. That is the pain of my particular variety of mental illness--never being able to be close to people.

Internet Bullying and Tragedy

I cannot imagine what would have happened in my case if we had the Internet when I was young. I was very sensitive and as it turned out undiagnosed bipolar and borderline. I made my first somewhat half-assed suicide attempt at 13. I started cutting when I was 15. I was straight and really didn't care when people spread the rumor that I was a lesbian, but it did bother me when they spread rumors that I was slutty. I actually was not. I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy that I thought I loved who turned out to be too immature to handle the relationship. I cut my wrists over his subsequent behavior towards me and ended up in the psych ward for a weekend. I was bullied pretty badly throughout school. But as bad as it was, I cannot believe what these kids go through these days. The people that shamed this young man (or who shame any person, gay or straight, in this fashion) should be held accountable for their part in this.

Parent and Child

A Facebook friend's poem made me think, and this is what I thought.

It makes me think of a bit of my relationship with my son. I have lived with mental illness (bipolar disorder, incorrectly diagnosed until I was 38) and although I tried to be a good mother when he was younger my problems were often overwhelming. I think I'm a good mother now but my troubles put me behind where I should be. We live in a rather marginalized fashion and are trying to both do things to improve our lot in life. My hope is that his kids, should he have them, will not have the kind of chaotic life he did in his childhood. He can talk about it with me and he isn't angry any more, but he says he feels he didn't have much of a childhood, which is heartbreaking. His father (whom I've been divorced from since 1994, but who in some fashion I've often ended up having to take care of in one way or another) has mental problems too and I've always been the more mature parent--which is scary, since for most of my life I didn't feel like a functioning adult!

Wow, that was a rant--hope you don't mind. The poem brought things out.

Distractability Gets In The Way of Fame

This was my response to a really cool article by Zoe, who has ADHD.

You and I have a lot in common, except my problem is bipolar disorder rather than ADHD. It also makes for difficulty concentrating and I tend to be easily distracted. I've also worked very hard on not being late for appointments and for me that is a huge triumph. And I would also like to be rich and famous in spite of myself. I hope we win the lottery! That might not make us famous, but at least we'll be rich! ;-)

Having children is NOT an imperative

This was my response to a post at Boing Boing

My only child (now almost 20 years old) was unplanned, but in my defense, I was 24 years old, had been married for six years, and had been told that I could never have children. So he was a surprise, but a good one.
Due to history of psychiatric illness from both his father's and my families (I have bipolar disorder, my ex husband deals with major depression) and his own experiences (my son has major depression and social anxiety disorder) my son has expressed that he is not certain that he ever wants to have his own biological children. I told them that I fully support whatever choice he makes in this matter. There are plenty of children who need to be adopted, and an adopted child is just as much a part of the family as a biological one.