A Letter to my Local Paper

The preventable suicides of young people over their sexual orientation is tragic. No student should be bullied because s/he is gay or because s/he is perceived as being gay. School should be a place for learning, not a battle ground. Bullying due to sexual orientation or for any other reason must not be tolerated. I was bullied mercilessly when I was in school and it still affects me to this day. I was not homosexual, but this makes no difference. I feel for these students who day in and day out fear for their safety simply because of their sexual orientation (or perceived sexual orientation.) All students need to be educated that gay people are simply people, and all schools need to have and enforce a zero tolerance policy for bullying.

Internet Bullying and Tragedy

I cannot imagine what would have happened in my case if we had the Internet when I was young. I was very sensitive and as it turned out undiagnosed bipolar and borderline. I made my first somewhat half-assed suicide attempt at 13. I started cutting when I was 15. I was straight and really didn't care when people spread the rumor that I was a lesbian, but it did bother me when they spread rumors that I was slutty. I actually was not. I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy that I thought I loved who turned out to be too immature to handle the relationship. I cut my wrists over his subsequent behavior towards me and ended up in the psych ward for a weekend. I was bullied pretty badly throughout school. But as bad as it was, I cannot believe what these kids go through these days. The people that shamed this young man (or who shame any person, gay or straight, in this fashion) should be held accountable for their part in this.

Psycho Suicide Barometer

Suicide Ideation: 9 out of 10 razor blades
Suicide Planning: 5 out of 10 razor blades

This has been one unholy motherfucker of a month! Shit is not working--in spades. Medications have never worked for me, but I wonder if I need to go to the doctor and find something that can temporarily numb me out, at least until I'm done with this damn nursing program. If I were fully in control of the situation I would just withdraw myself. Evidently, it is bad for me. But since my family is still in control of my life because they are helping pay some of my bills AND NO I CAN'T JUST NOT DO THIS OR I WILL BE HOMELESS AND SO WILL MY SON AND ALL MY ANIMALS!!!!!! I have no choice.

I am so fucking depressed. In the past there was always a glimmer of hope for the future. Now I don't even have that much and I am wondering what is the sense of continuing on this way.