Year of Loss

This has been a year of loss, minor on the scale compared to those who have lost loved ones, but loss nonetheless. My living situation is badly compromised. I need to get back to the cleanup work but became horribly discouraged over the past few days. I have accumulated way too much stuff in my life and I suppose those more sensible than I would just throw things out without regard to what they are. I am storing them. The carpets are still wet, we are still unable to shower, and we still have to bring in water. Then there was a fly infestation due to the moisture. Flies love moisture, it is prime breeding ground. I am overwhelmed and have no idea how this is going to resolve.

I lost friends. It wasn't a "real world" friend, I really don't have any of those. It was a long time online friend who decided to cut me off. I have a great deal of difficulty with abandonment issues. I have since decided that this person was being unfair and while I think it is too bad that they behaved the way they did, and I'm sorry they felt the way they did, I am not going to allow myself to harbor thoughts of self-harm over someone who has no regard for the feelings of others. Everybody has problems, not just them. I always thought things were better when people supported each other but if someone is bound and determined to isolate and stew in their own juices, there's nothing to be done. If you have a problem with somebody you can politely take it up with them, or you can act like a passive-aggressive jerk, as another friend who was caught in the fallout from this person's tirade pointed out.

My father's mental and physical status are deteriorating. I would hate to have that man as a patient. He fights every treatment. He needs to have oxygen 24 hours a day due to the fact that without it his o2 saturation levels are only in the 70's, but he refuses. The hypoxia contributes to the dementia. He has congestive heart failure. He is no longer able to assist my mother in standing him. She has to use a lift. He refuses to sleep because he feels like he's dying. He feels like he's dying because he has sleep apnea for up to a minute at a time and refuses to use a CPAP or oxygen. He urinates scant amounts all the time due to an enlarged prostate. The insurance won't pay for home care because his is a chronic condition--but it's a deteriorating condition! Fuckers.

When I started promoting my writing, I was naive as hell. I thought that I would find a supportive community of fellow creative souls. I've found a few who are kinda sorta supportive, but all creative people are mostly interested in promoting their own work. Which is okay, I suppose I fall into that category myself. What was dismaying for me is discovering how many bitter, mean-spirited people there are in the creative fields. Dealing with these types has kind of taken the fun out of the interactions for me. Worse yet, with everything else that's going on, I really don't have much hope and nothing is very much fun. Writing is more a chore than a joy a great deal of the time. I don't give up because that would be giving in, but it used to be a fun escape. It hasn't been for a long time.

So that's been 2010 for me. How 'bout you?